My 93-year-old grandma, who was married for over 70 years, told me her secret to a lasting marriage: “If you don’t want to shine his shoes for the rest of your life, don’t start now.” She gave me good advice because couples fall into routines, or patterns of behavior that become familiar over time. While some of these patterns are healthy, some are also unhealthy. The first step toward improving a marriage is recognizing these unhealthy patterns.
A common misconception about marriage is that arguing is “bad.” If couples do not disagree at some point in their relationship, they think it is doubtful they are communicating effectively and honestly. What matters is not if a couple argues; it is how the couple argues. Arguing by constantly criticizing your spouse, making personal attacks toward your spouse, becoming defensive or emotionally shutting down may be red flags that there are some unresolved problems in your marriage.
In order to improve your relationship, communication is key. Many arguments begin because of miscommunication or lack of communication, and then making false assumptions to fill in the gaps. To communicate effectively, especially when communicating a problem, some important points to remember are to start positive and be specific about what you are communicating. Then, express your feelings using “I” statements (ex: “I feel angry when…”), and be brief when defining your problem. It is also important to be a good listener. Many times, we are so focused on making our own point that we do not completely “hear” what our spouse is attempting to tell us.
Repeat back to your spouse the gist of what they are trying to convey and see if you are correct. Further, attempt to understand and empathize with what your spouse is saying and feeling. This can reduce problems related to miscommunication and may validate your spouse’s feelings.
It is also important to spend quality time with one another. Although cell phones keep everyone connected and are great methods of communicating information, time spent together is priceless. Set a “date night” every month or every other week that is reserved for just you and your spouse. On your date night, put your phones away and try to stay in the moment. Use this time to communicate and reconnect with one another.
The truth is, marriage can be hard, and you have to work at it just as you do anything else. More than half of marriages end in divorce, and the rate increases when it comes to second marriages. Further, unhappy marriages are associated with both physical and emotional stress, which can lead to increased risk of physical illness and potentially even shorten your life. So, investing in the time and effort to improve your marriage can potentially lead to a longer and healthier life for both you and your spouse. In the long run, wouldn’t you rather have scuffed shoes and a happy marriage? I know I would.
Dr. Jacqueline Dillon DeMarco is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Office Park.
