I had a funny conversation with an 11-year-old girl. In talking about parenting and children, she matter-of-factly told me, “My dad was really spoiled growing up, and he says he’s not doing that to us because that’s not how the real world works.”
I wanted to high-five this kid and her parents, who clearly have explained why they won’t overindulge her despite having the means to do so. This is an uncommon mentality, and one that deserves attention.
Why? Because we live in age of affluence. We are raising kids in a competitive culture with more upper-middle class families who enjoy higher standards of living and more disposable income than previous generations.
An uber-wealthy woman decided early on not to spoil her kids. Her reasoning was this: Do you know what happens to a tomato when it spoils? It rots on the inside.
I think she was onto something.
America’s new ‘at-risk’ child
Dr. Madeline Levine is a psychologist who has treated unhappy teens for more than 30 years. In the early 2000s, she started noticing a new breed of patients.
Traditionally her teen patients looked like trouble — they had bad grades, volatile relationships and risky behavior — but these new patients were smart, proficient and outwardly impressive.
What Levine soon recognized was a trend spanning the country: privileged children seeing psychologists in record numbers for emotional distress. Their successful lives masked major impairments because externally they seemed fine, but internally they felt empty.
Levine explored this epidemic in her bestselling book, “The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.”
“The kids I see are given all kinds of material advantages,” she writes, “yet feel that they have nothing genuine to anchor their lives to.”
Indulged, pressured and micromanaged on the outside, they fail to develop an inside. Expected to perform at unrealistically high levels and overly dependent on the opinions of others, they get off course from their real job of figuring out their authentic talents, skills and interests.
Research shows the most advantaged kids in America are experiencing unprecedented levels of mental illness and emotional distress, as well as the highest rates of depression, substance abuse and anxiety disorders.
The culprit, according to Levine, isn’t money itself, but the culture of affluence created by money.
Instead of throwing money or products at kids, Levine suggests parents invest in conversation. Remember how telling children “no” helps produce mature adults able to set boundaries for themselves.
What can fill the emptiness?
A father of three kids told me he realized years ago that he could earn about $50,000 more a year by getting a few more clients. He opted not to do this because he’d rather spend this time with his kids.
His story is a reminder that we parents have a choice. While it certainly takes money to raise kids, money can’t buy the things children and adults need most, like relationships, character, mental health and faith.
Americans start life far wealthier than half the world’s population living in extreme poverty, yet many of our third-world neighbors possess a wealth we don’t have: they are materially poor but spiritually rich due to a deep dependence on God.
The emptiness we all feel is a void only God can fill. He created us for heaven and put a God-shaped hole in our soul. When we fill that space with earthly pleasures (like possessions or success), it eventually re-opens.
The biggest challenge, I believe, is how to keep God first.
Today’s kids enjoy advantages we didn’t have but face pressures we didn’t face. When I consider what they’re up against, the insane expectations and message that they’re never enough, my heart goes out to them.
God created our kids for great things, and by helping them cultivate an inside, we unlock that potential. My hope for every child is that they develop this inner treasury, discovering along the way how the wealth they possess inside is far more valuable than any wealth this world can offer.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.
