Nothing breaks a parent’s heart more than arguing with your child.
Even when a debate is needed, it’s painful and unsettling to be at odds with the person for whom you would walk through fire.
During the teenage years, the tension can escalate as teenagers push boundaries in their search for independence. This pushing helps them grow up and form an identity and life apart from their family.
For parents in the trenches, it can be scary and unnerving. It’s not always clear how to find the right balance between loving your teenager and still being their parent, correcting the attitudes and behavior that may hurt them long-term while keeping a strong relationship.
Like all parents, I’ve done many things right and many things wrong. What I’ve realized over time is how it’s possible to argue well and recover from mistakes if our hearts stay in the right place. With that in mind, here are steps that we can take when the tension gets high.
1. Give your teenager the space to process their thoughts and feelings. Let them have time alone in their bedroom (if they want) because that’s the only room in the house that belongs solely to them.
2. Calm down, pray and get your mind in a rational place. Ask God to help you see the situation clearly, set your pride aside and guide you through the conflict.
3. Try to empathize and understand your teenager’s point of view. Even if you disagree with them, putting yourself in their shoes and remembering yourself at their age can keep you from overreacting or reacting in a way that makes your child shut down. It’s possible to stay strong while still showing compassion for how they feel.
4. Seek good counsel after big fights. Especially if you’re unsure or doubting yourself, talk to someone who gives good advice: your spouse, your mom, your wise best friend. If they agree with your decision, you’ll feel more confident to stick by it. If they tell you you’re being too strict, too lenient, too dictatorial or too acquiescing, you can reflect on their observations and talk them over with God.
5. Circle back around after you’ve both had time to calm down. Apologize for your mistakes (“I’m sorry I lost my temper; I plan to work on that and do better next time”) and remind your teenager that even when you argue, you still love them with all your heart. If they pick another fight, don’t take the bait. If they give you the cold shoulder, don’t take it personally. If they open up and talk, don’t catalog all the reasons why they are wrong. Instead, listen closely, encourage respectful honesty and talk about how to move forward and grow from this experience.
6. Buy your teenager’s favorite food. Present it as a peace offering or to remind them that you are on their team, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
7. Remember how conflict is a part of life, and learning healthy ways to work through it is a crucial life skill. Even in marriage, the No. 1 predictor of success is how well the couple can resolve conflict, according to John Gottman, America’s top couple’s therapist. By teaching your teenager how to respectfully work through their differences with you (a secure relationship where they can make mistakes and not lose your love) you set them up to thrive in other relationships, too.
8. Remember, too, that the ultimate goal is to fight for your teenager, not with your teenager. Choose your battles wisely and save arguments for what really matters. If every conversation gets heated (or turns into a lecture/lesson), your teenager will tune you out and look elsewhere for advice.
9. Be patient with your teenager just as God is patient with you. Every relationship consists of two imperfect sinners doing the best they can with what they know at the time. Like you, your child is a work-in-progress, and they need grace and room to grow. Be the first person to believe in them and the last person to lose faith in them. Remember we are all on this journey together: making mistakes, learning and being transformed through Christ.
10. Let God love you as you love your child. While some fights end quickly, others take time. Find comfort in knowing that God cares about you and understands. He is close to broken-hearted and can heal, strengthen, and deepen any relationship that seeks to honor Him.
Parenting would be easier if we just didn’t care. If we didn’t set rules or boundaries, we wouldn’t get pushback. At the same time, our teenagers need us to care. They need us to have their backs, look out for their well-being, and teach them how to thrive.
So when your teenager pushes your buttons, stop and take a deep breath. Don’t lash out or speak out of anger. Instead, aim for reconciliation. Show love even when there’s not a quick fix. One day, when your teenager is grown, they’ll understand your decisions better. They’ll have a blueprint they can follow. They’ll know how to respond when conflicts arise — and apply the lessons they learned through tensions with you to build better and stronger relationships.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com or find her on the “Girl Mom” podcast.
