Kari Kampakis
When my daughters were little, I broke up a lot of sibling fights.
It wore me down, and it wore me out. It also broke my heart because what mom doesn't dream of her children being close? Now that my girls are older, they truly are close, and any real fighting is rare. Even the COVID-19 quarantine was an enjoyable experience, but what I thought about often during the lockdown was how hard it would be if my kids were still little and in frequently fighting phase.
For several years of their childhood, I honestly dreaded summer because too much "together time" provided ample opportunity to pick fights, get on each other's nerves and feel far too comfortable being blunt or ugly.
If your kids are in a fighting phase, hang in there, Momma! Keep doing the hard and exhausting work of helping them work through conflict and make peace. Although we can't make our kids love each other, we can teach them to be respectful and kind to their siblings. We can correct the unbecoming behavior that occurs in every family — and talk about how lazy social filters lead to hurt feelings, tension and arguments.
Here are four pointers to create a kinder culture at home:
1. Remind your children to ask themselves three questions before speaking: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? While it may be true that her sister’s handwriting is sloppy, is it necessary to say that? While some truths should be voiced, others are best left unsaid. Helping your kids discern the difference of what is and isn’t necessary can prevent many tears.
2. Remind them to speak the truth in love. There is a tactful way to say everything, and developing a social filter is really a matter of speaking the truth in love. Instead of telling their brother, “You’re so annoying!” they can say, “It really bothers me when you keep doing that. Will you stop so I can concentrate?” Kids who speak tactfully are more likely to be heard and impact the behavior of those around them.
3. Model kindness. How we talk to our kids (and spouses) sets the bar of kindness. How can we expect our kids to not yell at each other when we yell at them? We all lose our temper at times, but being quick to apologize – and point out our own mistakes and missteps – will help our children self-reflect and be willing to apologize when they cross the line.
4. Try toothpaste to make your point. In my book “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know,” I shared a trick that my friend told me about. One day when her daughters were bashing each other, she took them into the bathroom and gave them each toothpaste. She instructed them to squirt their toothpaste into the sink.
Once the glob was out, she told them to put the toothpaste back in the tube. They couldn’t, of course, and that led to her point: The words we speak are like toothpaste. Once they’re out, they’re out. Think twice before making a mess you can’t put back in.
What helped me survive those seasons of fighting among my kids was remembering how conflict is a part of life, and by seeing their fights as opportunities to teach them all social skills that they will need in the real world, those fights served a purpose. They jumpstarted many conversations about learning to peacefully coexist with people who are different than us – and appreciate what different personalities add to a group dynamic.
I venture to say that most siblings argue, and it may take time and more maturity for your children to appreciate each other. Mediate their fights when necessary, establish ground rules and perspective and, if all else fails, have them sit on the couch and hold hands for an hour. Give them a memory they will never forget, one that they may laugh about in the future as they reflect on their childhood stories and all the strategies their mother tried to help them get along and create peace inside the home.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.
