As adults, we largely get to choose our environments.
We can spend our time with people we like, people who help us thrive.
Our children, on the other hand, don’t have that luxury. Instead, they spend the majority of their days in a pressure cooker, locked into closeness with an array of personalities that can bring out the best and worst of humanity.
Instead of thriving, many are just surviving. They go to school with their heads down or their guards up because their peers are so quick to judge, criticize or verbally attack.
No one student can solve the problem, but every student can do their part. Here are five things to tell your child to remind them to show heart for their classmates and create environments of warmth and connection.
1. Many of your classmates are hurting.
Many face problems that you’d never guess based on their appearance. Students today face adult-sized heartaches. And what amplifies their heartaches — and stress — is not having strong support systems in place or being in environments where people act dismissive and rude.
It is likely that over the summer, someone in your class lost a parent, a sibling or a beloved grandparent. Someone found out their parents are getting divorced. Someone got betrayed by their best friend or kicked out of a friend group. Someone had an injury or surgery, and now they’re out of their favorite sport for the season. Someone is depressed and struggling with dark thoughts. Someone got a scary diagnosis, and they’re not sure yet if their greatest fear will come true.
You never know what your classmates are going through, and it shouldn’t take knowing their problems to treat them kinder. Assume upfront that everyone has struggles, and if you knew their full story, there’s no way you couldn’t love them. You’d be mortified to know that you were the one making their bad situation feel worse.
2. You (and everyone you know) are just one decision away from falling off a cliff.
It’s tempting to judge your classmate when they make a bad choice or get caught in a mistake, but the truth is, that could be you. We are all sinners who stumble, and feeling morally superior to anyone leads to the worst sin of all: pride.
Remembering this keeps you humble and compassionate. It creates an environment where you and your classmates can love each other through ups and downs.
3. Some people start rumors.
Some people lie. Some people get their facts mixed up or tell half-truths. Some people enjoy drama and stir the pot. Think for yourself, and don’t believe everything you hear.
Even as an adult, I sometimes hear rumors that I know aren’t true. Experience has taught me to consider the source (Are they trustworthy or prone to gossip?) and give people the benefit of the doubt until the evidence shows otherwise.
Aristotle once said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Rumors in a school can be vicious, and typically, they are off-base, embellished or inaccurate. They serve no good and only cause hurt.
Rather than join the rumor bandwagon, ask people to stop sharing it. Be kind to the classmate the whole school is talking about, because chances are, even their good friends have distanced themselves for fear of association.
4. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone, but you can — and should — be kind.
Nobody clicks with every person they meet, and that is OK. That is life. But you can be kind to those classmates who aren’t your best friends now. People change, mature and grow up, and some people who you barely know may later become good friends as you go to the same college or get hired into the same company and watch your kids fall in love at preschool. Again and again, classmates will come back into your life. You never know how God will weave two stories together in the future, so look for the good in people, keep a friendly rapport when possible and don’t burn bridges.
5. Your classmates will remember you with either a smile on their face or a pit in their stomach 20 years from now.
They will share stories about the people who shaped their most formative years with their children and grandchildren.
Your classmates will never forget the way you treat them, so stay mindful of your words and actions. Know that you have the power — every day — to help or hurt your classmates, to notice them or to ignore them, to love them as they are or make them feel like a mistake. Many students grow up and regret being mean, but you will never, ever, regret being kind.
The beauty of a new school year is how it presents a clean slate. Help your child see the opportunities in front of them and understand the many ways they can positively impact their classmates’ lives.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com or find her on the “Girl Mom” podcast.
