I heard it yet again: Another mom is frustrated because her hardworking teen is struggling in a class.
“I’m tired of my kid coming home and telling me she’s stupid,” she says. “She makes great grades, but she’s failing science because it’s really hard for her."
As moms, we see unvarnished truths. We watch a child’s confidence plummet as they face a challenge that isn’t in their natural skill set. We know our child’s strengths and weaknesses, and we witness their hard work. While hard work often pays off, there are also times when even the best effort leaves a child hoping to pull off a C.
I believe in education and challenging students. I was once a classroom nerd who got excited about certain courses. Although I had to work hard, my efforts were reflected in my grades. This led me to believe that discipline plus effort equals desired results.
What I know now is that:
► Some personalities are better suited for a classroom than others.
► Some talents can’t be measured or seen in a classroom.
► You can’t predict a student’s potential based on current performance.
► The world is full of successful adults who struggled in some realm of school.
In the real world, people specialize. In any job or career, you don’t have to excel at eight different subjects because you discover what you’re good at — finance, people, sales, design, food, organization, sports, etc. — and concentrate your efforts there.
While students who thrive in a classroom are typically good at staying on a track, entrepreneurs get off traditional tracks. They think outside the box and create new tracks of their own.
I feel for today’s students due to the pressures they face. They’re expected to excel at everything, from sports to English to biology. And when you live in a bright community, where you’re surrounded by champions with obvious gifts, it’s easy to feel despair when you don't measure up.
Here’s what students should know: There are many ways to be smart, and school only measures a few of them.
According to Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner, human intelligence comes in eight forms, and the way to be exceptional at something is to understand (and build on) your areas of advantage.
The eight forms are as follows:
1. Spatial intelligence (pilot, surgeon, engineer)
2. Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence (dancer, athlete)
3. Musical intelligence (singer, songwriter)
4. Linguistic intelligence (novelist, journalist)
5. Logical-mathematical intelligence (scientist, accountant)
6. Interpersonal intelligence (politician, team manager)
7. Intrapersonal intelligence (therapist, entrepreneur)
8. Naturalistic intelligence (farmer, florist)
Clearly, the road to success is wide, and if more children and teenagers understood this, they might have faith in themselves when a struggle manifests.
They might see a weakness as a normal challenge rather than a defect that will wreck their lives.
As parents, we want our children to become the best version of themselves. We want them to do their best without them obsessing over being the best. So how do we paint the big picture? How do we counter a culture that constantly says their best is never enough?
Here are thoughts to consider.
► Celebrate a good work ethic. In our home, we emphasize work ethic. I tell my daughters that their work ethic — more than grades — will take them so far in life. Many brilliant people never reach their potential because school was easy for them. They never had to study, and it made them lazy. While grades and achievements certainly open doors, it’s the work ethic students develop as they dig deep and rise to challenges that helps them most long-term.
► Remove the stigma of asking for help. My friend tells her children, “Smart people ask for help.” Many psychologists also say the most important thing your child should know when entering college or the real world is how to ask for help. In high-achieving communities, this goes against the grain, yet it’s a crucial life skill. A child who asks for help with school is more likely to ask for help with higher-stakes problems.
► Talk about soft skills. I know a coach who tells his team, “A coachable athlete is an employable adult.” Why? Because nobody likes a know-it-all. Even the smartest, most talented human will struggle in life, jobs and relationships if they sport a bad attitude, act cocky or refuse instruction and constructive feedback. They sour the mood for everyone and are more trouble than they’re worth.
Some kids’ strengths are hidden gifts like social intelligence, humility, kindness, mental toughness, compassion, empathy, character, creativity, attitude, passion, drive and the ability to resolve conflict, motivate others, network or solve problems. Many kids will thrive as adults because they’re good at relationships, are quick learners, go above-and-beyond and are fun on a team. In the real world, personality, teachability, and likeability matter. Soft skills become increasingly important.
► Thank the teachers who “get” it. A middle school boy was struggling in English. His teacher told him, “I’m not going to let you fail my class. I will meet with you every Tuesday to get your grade up.” This teacher believes in teenagers at all levels of ability, and at an age when most kids feel overlooked, he notices and cares. Rather than let a child fail, he reaches out personally.
Teachers like this boost self-esteem and make students work harder. When someone believes in you, you don’t want to let them down, and some of my girls’ favorite teachers are the difficult ones who challenge them yet also equip them to meet those challenges.
► Talk about potential. The bestselling book “Mindset” is a must-read. It says talent is nice, but it’s just a starting point. People can do far more than first meets the eye, and having a “growth mindset” dramatically impacts success. It believes that true potential is unknown because it’s impossible to predict what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, training and good mentors.
Michelangelo saw potential that no one could see. When he looked at a slab of marble, he saw a figure hiding inside who wanted to be set free. His philosophy was to chip away the stone to uncover that hidden figure. “Every block of stone has a statue inside it,” he said, “and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”
When God looks at us, he sees that hidden masterpiece. He notices inner potential that isn’t obvious yet. What great parents and great teachers do is also recognize the masterpiece inside every child. They then find ways to bring it to life.
It’s easy to cheer for the superstars, but let’s also cheer for the students who work hard with no recognition. Let’s remind our own children that there are many ways to be smart, many roads to success, and many ways to live a productive, meaningful life.
The best traits of any child can’t be measured in a classroom. The greatest gifts a human can offer (namely, love) won’t show up on a report card. No student should call themselves dumb, and if they do, it’s our job to tell them they’re wrong. It’s our job to praise their efforts and the strengths we see. Every child wants to be good at something, and every child is good at something because they have God-given gifts. He created them a purpose only they can serve.
Some kids will thrive early, and others will need more time and help to unlock their ability. Either way, let’s celebrate their best efforts. Let’s applaud them, build confidence, and believe in their potential to surpass expectations — most importantly, their own.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon. Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.
