College Bound

At Mountain Brook Schools, we point with pride to our high school graduates. Almost all attend four-year colleges, and the few that don’t have good plans, such as serving in the military, doing useful things in a gap year or attending junior college. Of that large majority who go on to four-year colleges, only a small number require any remedial help there. It appears we prepare our students well.

I am interested, however, in the emotional and behavioral aspects of the transition to college for students and for their families. Once a year, I speak with groups of seniors and their parents at the high school on this topic, which I often call, “The last year at home and the first year away.”

The last year at home is a great big ole bag of mixed emotion: Excitement and dread. Joy and sadness. Anticipation and uncertainty. We have all the practical and emotional complications of the college application process. In this town, people often believe the specific choice of college will be, for the young person, the difference between happiness, success and wealth and failure, misery and poverty. That’s probably not true, but the point is that in Mountain Brook much is invested in college, financially and emotionally.

While that college application process is going on in the senior year, the family, whether they realize it or not, is preparing for big change – change that is substantial and permanent. When a child goes off to college, his or her life changes, of course, but so does that of every member of the family still at home. It is unavoidable. Most college-bound young people experience some separation anxiety, even though they may go to lengths to hide it, and most parents anticipate the separation with their own blend of excitement and worry.

Often, during the senior year, tensions arise in the family on many fronts. I’ll illustrate some of these with samples of hypothetical dialogue:

Parent: As long as you’re still under my roof, you have to obey the rules.

Student: I’m about to not be under your roof. You need to let go of all these rules.

Parent: Have you written that college essay yet?

Student: Mom! I’ll get to it.

Parent: I think someone has senioritis!

Student: Oh my gosh! Did you just say that?!

Parent: When are we going shopping for stuff for your dorm?

Student: Oh, I don’t know. How about never?

You get the idea. Fun times. Here are a few ideas for families to think about during the senior year.

I do think it is important for families to review “the rules” for senior students. To what extent are parents going to be involved in the senior student’s academics – how he or she studies, when he or she does homework, prepares for tests and so on? The parent should be mindful that in just a few months he or she will have virtually no involvement in this. The senior year is probably a good time to transition into the student being fully responsible for his or her academic work.

Then there is the matter of curfew and parental management of the student’s social and leisure life. Parents could choose to maintain very restrictive controls. That creates more safety for the student, but it risks the student making a very abrupt transition – literally overnight – from strict parental controls to none at all. Or, parents could choose to abandon curfew and rules, which might permit the student to learn to self-manage, but it also creates a real risk of something very bad happening because of choices the student makes. It is a dilemma with no simple answer, other than the need to sit down and negotiate a compromise.

Anticipate a good bit of anxiety and strain about getting ready for college. Again, it’s that blend of excitement and anxiety that can create a good bit of bickering, irritability and disagreement. Consider talking about it in advance, as in, “Hey, look, this is going to be a weird year for everyone. Big changes are coming and everyone is going to be excited, but we may also be pretty uptight. Let’s try to avoid killing each other.” Sometimes that kind of labeling of the problem, along with a little dose of humor, can help.

Do try to focus on the positive. College is not heaven, but it is an exciting transition that, when you think about it, all parents and students have worked for years to make happen—it is the successful culmination of a lot of hard work. Remember that our students are usually very well prepared because of their experiences growing up in their families and in our schools.

Dale Wisely, Ph.D. is Director of Student Services at Mountain Brook Schools and has been a child and adolescent psychologist for nearly 30 years. Dr. Wisely welcomes your questions for future columns; email jennifer@villagelivingonline.com to submit yours.