Dealing with disrespectful behavior

Given that all of us want our children to treat us, and others, with respect, why do so many parents complain of disrespectful behavior, especially among their teenagers?

In some cases, teenagers are disrespectful because it is what they have been taught. As parents, we can certainly demand respectful behavior, but ultimately it is difficult for our kids to behave respectfully if they have been in the company of adults who don’t practice what they preach. In other cases, the teenager is harboring some resentment toward the parents, and that resentment, rather than being expressed directly, shows up as a kind of irritable disrespectfulness on the part of the kids.

In other families, even when parents have set a good example and have firmly insisted that their adolescents behave respectfully, kids who are generally respectful enough will lapse into disrespectful language now and then. Usually, when the parent is willing to firmly correct that behavior and make their expectations clear, the problem will resolve. That is probably the best description of what is more or less normal in families.

I have seen cases, though, when disrespectful behavior occurs far too frequently in a family with teenagers. “I can’t believe my own child talks to me like that,” is the common lament of parents in that situation. This might be a cause for professional consultation with a family-oriented mental health professional. That said, I want to describe an approach that can work.

In an affluent community, the lives of many of our children are full and rich. They have cell phones, vehicles they regard as their personal property, vacations and lots of great stuff to have or to do. All of this is more or less provided by the parents. Let’s say a family has a 14 year old who is sassy and disrespectful, particularly toward the mother. The mother feels helpless to stop it.

For many years I have asked such parents to take a kind of inventory based on this question. What are you doing for this child that you don’t have to do? Often, even for a child who is treating us shoddily, we do their laundry, drive them to the movies, provide them with smart phones, finance their stylish wardrobes and so on. This might lead some teenagers to ask themselves, “What difference does it make if I treat my mother badly?”

What is this parent doing for this child that she doesn’t have to do? Another way of asking that is “What must we do for our children?” Your answer may differ. Here’s mine: We have a non-negotiable responsibility to feed them, shelter them, provide them with medical care and get them to school. We could add that we have to clothe them, which is fair, but I would say that duty is to clothe them to cover their nakedness, not to provide them with cute or cool clothing. We do not have to do their laundry, drive them places, give them electronic devices like cell phones, take them to the lake on weekends and so on.

With this in mind, here’s a fantasy scenario and sample way a parent might respond. On a Wednesday night, Jason says something ugly and disrespectful to his mother. His mother calmly responds, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way, and I won’t have it,” and then drops it. On the following Friday night, Jason cheerfully asks Mom to drive him to The Summit. Mom says no. Jason drops to the floor in a dead faint and has to be revived. Upon awakening, he asks, “Why?? Why won’t you take me?!” Mom responds, “Because of the way you spoke to me Wednesday night. I generally don’t do nice things for people who speak to me that way.” Keeping up that calm connection between the way our child treats us, and our willingness to do them what might properly be thought of as favors, can turn things around in many cases.

Dr. Dale Wisely is Director of Student Services at Mountain Brook Schools and has been a child and adolescent psychologist for 30 years.