Empathy, remorse and the art of apology

Q: Some of the children I encounter don’t seem to experience remorse when they say or do hurtful things to others. How can I encourage a sense of remorsefulness in my own children?

Remorse emerges from empathy and respect for rules. If I hurt you in some way and I have the empathy that allows me to imagine what you are feeling because of what I’ve done, remorse comes. If I understand that stealing is wrong, I should feel remorse when I steal, not out of empathy, but out of knowing I’ve broken a rule that must be in place for civilization to work. Most of us want our children to be able to empathize, to experience remorse when they have done wrong and to apologize and otherwise make amends. We want our children to be law-abiding.

Empathy is widely studied by social scientists. Studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) have investigated the functional brain anatomy that gives rise to empathy. Behavior consistent with a kind of rudimentary form of empathy can be seen in 1-year-olds, and typically, by age 2 children will show fairly clear capability of empathy. Psychologists also believe, however, that there are individuals who, for reasons that are poorly understood, have a low capacity to experience empathy, or none at all. 

I doubt that a child can be talked, lectured or punished into being empathetic. As parents, we often guide our children by asking them to imagine how another person feels when he or she is hurt in some way. I suspect that for empathy and remorse to grow, all of us, including children, have to develop the capacity and have to have a series of experiences in which we learn how others feel. The phrase “teachable moments” is probably overused, but it surely applies here. We look for opportunities to point things out. If we hear or know of someone who is suffering due to the behavior of others, we invite our children to imagine how the suffering person feels.

I am interested in apology and the so-called “non-apologetic apology.” False apologies are abundant, especially in the professional, legal and corporate worlds. Even in the interpersonal world, we sometimes apologize begrudgingly. Non-apologetic apologies often include language like, “If what I said hurt or offended you, I apologize.” In children, false apologies are usually the result of a child being forced to apologize. All parents know the sound of a forced apology: “SORRRRRRYYYYY!”  

Much has been written lately about how to make a genuine apology. I believe teaching children how to apologize may actually help them learn how to empathize. Believe it or not, there is a website devoted to apology. It is perfectapology.com. These folks propose that there are essential parts to an apology. I am going to take liberties with it due to limited space and for clarity.

a restatement of what happened. (What I did.)

acknowledgement of the hurt or damage done. (I know I hurt you or otherwise did damage.)

taking responsibility for the situation. (This is my fault. It’s not your fault.)

a statement of regret. (I wish I had not done this.)

a request for forgiveness. (I hope you can forgive me. Will you?)

a promise that it won’t happen again. (I want to do better. I promise to try my best.)

a form of restitution whenever appropriate and possible. (I want to make this right.)

What if we taught our children to apologize this way? Would this help our children learn empathy and remorse? Would it help the child move past the guilt she feels for having wronged someone? Could we teach our children to apologize this way by apologizing this way ourselves, to them, to other family members? Will it help our child be able to say something like this?:

“Ashley, I want to tell you I am sorry. I didn’t invite you to my birthday party, and I think that must have hurt your feelings. It’s my fault. I don’t have an excuse. Now I wish I had invited you. You don’t have to answer now, but I hope you will forgive me. I promise to do better. I hope you can come over to my house this weekend. I’d like that a lot.”