Praising children

I have been hearing and reading about a movement among child development  experts to discourage parents from praising their children. Should we not be praising our children for being smart and athletic?

It is true that many experts are advising parents to reconsider how they praise  their children. Note that it’s not so much about whether children should be praised at all, but rather how they should be praised. Putting aside the fact that  parents shouldn’t necessarily respond to the latest thing from experts, I think the  people who are advising us to be more mindful of how we praise children are on to something.

One of the psychological researchers who has been influential in this area is Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford and the author of a number of books on motivation and the achievement of one’s potential. According to Dweck, we all tend to have “mindsets” concerning why we achieve things. Some have a “fixed” mindset, meaning that they believe their accomplishments are related to their innate abilities, such as intelligence. Others believe their success is based  on hard work and learning and are said to have a “growth” mindset of their own achievements. This has an impact on how people respond to work, challenges in  life and, particularly, failures. Fixed mindset individuals dread failure because  they see failures as a negative statement on their innate abilities, such as  intelligence or athleticism. They may go out of their way to avoid failure by not  taking on real challenges. Growth mindset individuals don’t mind challenges and  failures as much because they realize their performance can be improved. Dweck  argues that the growth mindset will allow a person to live a less stressful  and more successful life. People with growth mindsets are more likely to continue working hard despite setbacks.

So, for example, if children are given praise such as “You’re very smart,” they are  much more likely to develop a fixed mindset, whereas if given compliments like “Good job, you worked very hard,” they are likely to develop a growth mindset. “You’re very smart” is praise for something the child has no control over. “You  worked hard” is directed at effort and hard work and seeks to encourage that. A  similar example could be given for athletic endeavors.

For some years, I’ve encouraged parents to think about the messages they send  when they praise their children. Let’s use a good report card as an example. If the  parent’s reaction to good grades is, “Wow, look how smart you are! You’ve made Daddy so proud!”—what is the message to the child? It might be that our child’s intelligence is what we love and value about them. It might be that what’s important in life is pleasing the parent. If the parent’s reaction is “Wow, look how

hard you worked! You must be proud of yourself!”- the message to the child is that it’s the hard work and effort that matters, and it is their personal pride in their own work that matters the most.

Dale Wisely, Ph.D. is Director of Student Services at Mountain Brook Schools and  has been a child and adolescent psychologist for nearly 30 years. Dr. Wisely  welcomes your questions for future columns; email jennifer@villagelivingonline.com to submit yours.