Parenting children with ADHD

My 10-year-old son has ADHD and has a lot of trouble keeping friends. Is that common in children with ADHD? What can be done about it?

In my experience, it is very common for young people with ADHD to have social problems, and this is supported by research. Unfortunately, the best data we have suggests only a minority of ADHD children are consistently socially successful.

There are many aspects of ADHD that can contribute to social difficulties. For example, acquiring social skills usually occurs by learning through observation. Because attention is impaired in children with this disorder, it may take them longer to learn by observation and acquire those skills. Also, when you think about it, practicing good social behavior requires good focus. To be appropriately social, one has to be attentive to others, and, really, one has to be observant of very subtle things like tone of voice, facial expression, and so on. If a child is unable to pay close attention to other people, he or she will have trouble interacting with others.

Many children with ADHD are impulsive. They may engage in impulsive motor behavior and/or impulsive verbal behavior. Sometimes, to be honest, those behaviors can be annoying to peers.

Much less well known is the role of emotional regulation in people with ADHD. There is a growing body of evidence that a key feature of ADHD is an inability to control the expression of emotions. This is called “emotional dysregulation.” Unfortunately, when children have trouble controlling their emotions by being quick to show anger, crying often in front of peers, or even becoming overly excited in a positive way, these emotional displays can createdifficultiesforthemwiththeirpeers.

I believe that ADHD is a disorder that requires ongoing treatment. Treatment that is consistent and multifaceted. I think, sadly, most children with ADHD at any given moment are either receiving no treatment or inadequate treatment. The better and more consistent the treatment, the more the different aspects of the disorder, such as peer difficulties, will improve. We know that medication is often necessary. But, many children need help with their behavior, with their emotions and with developing appropriate social skills. For this kind of work, I recommend mental health professionals with specific training and experience in child psychology in general and in the assessment and treatment of attention deficit disorders in particular. Speak to your child’s pediatrician and ask for a referral to such a professional.