Parenting the college freshman

In the October column, I wrote about parenting the high school senior. In this column, I offer some thoughts on parenting the college freshman.

Normally, when we think about stress, we think about our responses to difficult or negative aspects of our lives. But, it turns out that positive events in our lives are also stressful. It’s not a surprise, really. Putting on a wedding, for example, is a positive thing (one would hope). But it is stressful. So, going away to college, although usually a good thing, is stressful for families and for new college students.

Move-in day for a college freshman and his or her family can be exciting and stressful. Having been through this ourselves with our own daughters, I have noted that colleges and universities have invested in making the orientation and move-in process a better experience for families. For example, it is now routine that there is a cadre of students available to help families unload cars and move items into dorm rooms. Parents are often welcomed in elaborate orientation experiences. Most schools now address, during these meetings, some of the things parents should know.

After a day or two of excitement getting that dorm room ready, the time comes for the family to leave. This can be awkward and difficult, but this parting can be an important moment and an emotional one. Some things to consider:  Know that your child may freak out when you get ready to leave. It’s not unusual. In that case, or even if your new college student seems 100 percent confident, say something reassuring. Say you are confident they will do well and you are eager to help if you can. Also, know that you or your spouse (or both) may freak out. Try to be responsive to your child’s needs more than your own. If your child is ready for you to leave, go. If he or she needs you to stay a bit longer, try to stay a bit longer. But, don’t overextend your welcome.

Parents are often nostalgic about their own college experiences, and this leads to a lot of “college years are the best years of your life” talk. I once heard a college senior say, “I can’t wait until the ‘best years of my life’ are over!” I suspect she meant that college is not heaven, not nirvana. It’s a community consisting of a lot of young people in a relatively small space, some of which are going to have trouble coping with the sudden freedom and the many temptations college has to offer. As parents stay in close touch with their college freshmen, they might want to consider some of the known risks present among college students.

Underage drinking is a huge problem on college campuses. Although illegal, it is widely tolerated, even expected. As much as our culture tolerates it, very serious problems can come from it. College students are held accountable legally, as adults, for drinking and for the consequences of their actions when they have been drinking. We all know of tragic cases of deaths of college students related to alcohol poisoning and other dangers associated with binge drinking. Underage drinking, along with college students driving more, means that we see an increase in the rate of auto accidents in college students—second only to brand new 16-year-old drivers.

A number of psychiatric problems are prone to emerge in young adulthood, and the stress of college may be a factor in that. Depression, anxiety disorders and other significant psychiatric problems are a risk for college students.

Money problems are common, and this is often a source of great tension in families with college students. I think many of us fail to adequately prepare our children to manage money. It is important to have discussions about this well in advance and to set clear guidelines. Many families are helped by the fact that parents often can monitor their college student’s banking activity online.

Sleep problems are routine. The social rhythms of college life often mean students stay up late then oversleep, missing early classes. A dean of students at a university one of my daughters attended said that the single best predictor they had of whether a student would drop out of college is failing to show up for morning classes. Parents would do well to make clear their expectations that their college student will attend classes regularly.

Here’s the blessing in all of this: The days are gone when college students could only call home for a few minutes on Sunday night from a payphone in the dorm hall. Cell phones and computers mean that lots of communication is possible, and lots of communication can often help families adjust to the change of having a child off at college.

Dale Wisely, Ph.D. is Director of Student Services at Mountain Brook Schools and has been a child and adolescent psychologist for nearly 30 years. Dr. Wisely welcomes your questions for future columns; email jennifer@villagelivingonline.com to submit yours.