Teenagers and fit-pitching

My daughter, who is 13, gets very hostile when I deny her something she wants. It used to be material things, but now it tends to be social events. When I tell her she can’t be with her friends at a place or at a time of the night I’m uncomfortable with, she gets almost abusive. Then she will pout and refuse to speak to me for days on end. How can I better cope with this?

I need to start with a disclaimer, since I do not know you or your daughter and have no more information than what is in your question. It is always a good idea to talk this over with a professional who does know the situation better, and your child’s pediatrician is often a great place to start. I am going to assume her reaction is not related to any serious psychological problem or psychiatric illness.

It may be good to remind ourselves that one of the developmental tasks of the teen years is the shift of social focus from the family to peers. Family is usually still important to teenagers, just less of a focus, as the desire to be with peers increases. Another developmental task of the teen years is for the teen to push for the most freedom she can get. 

That part is easy. The parents’ job is the hard part. The parent’s job is to allow enough freedom, as the child grows older, to allow him or her to develop and to be exposed to the world, but not so much freedom that the risks to the child are unacceptably high. Too little freedom leads to stunted social development. Too much freedom carries with it all kinds of risks: accidents, involvement in crime, early experimentation with alcohol and drugs, and premature sexual behavior.

Your daughter is pushing for more peer time and more freedom, as you know. I assume you are limiting that based on your best judgment, with the knowledge that some additional freedom is probably necessary for your daughter to develop. Here are some guidelines to consider.

Do not respond to your daughter’s nasty response to your limits by capitulating. If you do, the message to her will be “if you pitch a fit that’s long and obnoxious enough, you will get your way.” That is not a particularly good way to conduct one’s life as an adult, which is what you are trying to get her ready for. (I have pitched a few fits in my lifetime, and as a rule, that has gotten me absolutely nowhere.)

Sometimes “no” just has to be no. But if there is room for compromise that will allow her to get closer to what she wants but that also satisfies your safety concerns, try to negotiate for that, but only when your daughter is stating her case calmly, respectfully and with a cooperative spirit. You might say to her, in a calmer moment, “I’m not going to give in to you, ever, when you react this way. If you are calm, respectful and accepting that we have to make these decisions as your parents, we will see what we can work out.”