The dreaded (drug) question

I have conversations from time-to-time with my son about drugs and alcohol.  I know that sooner or later, he is going to ask me if I drank and used drugs when I was in high school.  I did do some drinking and some experimentation with drugs.  I don’t want to lie to my child, but if I am honest, and then tell him he’s forbidden to drink and do drugs, I will seem like a hypocrite.

I participated in a planning session recently for a meeting with parents about underage drinking, and this question came up.  It was referred to as “the dreaded question.”  I can understand why you would dread the question, but I do think there are some options to consider.

You could, of course, lie and claim you never drank or experimented with drugs.  You say you do not want to lie, and, if you do lie, you run the risk that your son will find out about your history through another source.  If he does, you could lose credibility.  From the point your child knows you lied, he may well hang on to that as “the issue.”  It will no longer be about what he’s going to do about alcohol and drugs.  It will be about the fact that you lied to him.

On the other hand, if, in your desire to be honest, you start singing like a bird about your own history, again, your son may shift the focus of the discussion to you.  You might also cross a sort of boundary of appropriateness by spilling your guts to him.  He’s not your spouse or your pastor or your therapist.  So, my number one suggestion:  Don’t let him turn this into a discussion about you.

Let me model one approach one might take:  “Well, let me tell you.  I did drink some in high school, and I smoked a bit of pot.  I think it turned out ok, and I think that’s because I got lucky.  Some other people I went to school with weren’t so lucky, and their choice to drink caused them a lot of trouble.  If I knew then what I know now, I’d like to think I’d choose not to drink or try drugs.  The truth is, we know a lot more about the dangers of drugs and alcohol than we did when I was in high school.  Let me be clear about this:  I’m your parent, and it’s my job to set rules based on my best judgment.  So, the rule is, I don’t want you to drink or do drugs.  It’s illegal and I’m not going to endorse it, and if I find out you are doing it, I’m not going to ignore it or accept it as ok.  My own history as a teenager is not what this is about.”

I wrote above that my number one suggestion is to not let the discussion shift to being about you.  My number two suggestion is to not let the question freak you out.  The fact that you’re already thinking about how to answer the question means you’ll be prepared when it comes.

Dale Wisely, Ph.D. is Director of Student Services at Mountain Brook Schools and has been a child and adolescent psychologist for nearly 30 years. Dr. Wisely welcomes your questions for future columns; email jennifer@villagelivingonline.com to submit yours.