What about the iPhone?

My sixth grader is nagging me to buy her an iPhone.  This seems ridiculous to me, but she insists that “everybody” else in her grade has a cell phone.  What’s your opinion about this?

There is no doubt that parents are providing increasingly sophisticated cell phones to younger and younger children.   According to surveys by the Pew Research Center, in 2006, 18 percent of 12-year-olds carried personal cell phones.  By 2009, 58 percent of the same age group had cell phones.  Of course, we would expect that to be considerably higher now, more than two years later. (Also quite striking is the rise of text messaging among teenagers.  In the third quarter of 2011, according to a Nielsen survey, teenagers 13-17 years of age on average were sending or receiving 3,417 text messages a month, which amounts to seven messages per waking hour.)

So, your daughter may not be that far from being right when she says that “everybody” else in her grade has a cell phone. I’m confident not everyone else does, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority do. Frankly, I don’t think that’s the same as saying that it’s a good idea.

In my conversations with parents on this topic, they cite safety concerns as the most common reason they provided their children with cell phones.  They want their kids to be able to reach them, and they want to be able to reach their children.  This is understandable. Ironically, once they give their kids cell phones because of safety concerns, their new concern is often safety—how do they help their children stay safe on their phones?

It isn’t for me to judge at what age a child ought to have a cell phone.  I generally believe we are providing them to our kids when they are too young. More to the point, I am concerned that we are allowing younger and younger kids to have these devices without thinking through the implications.  The saturation of our society with cell phones has happened really quickly, and the technology has gotten ahead of the developmental considerations.  We all are hearing about cyber bullying and sexting and other abuses of cell phones.  I contend that when we give children these devices and fail to provide appropriate controls and supervision, these abuses are completely predictable.

Here are some things to consider.  First, what is the real reason for giving our kids phones?  Is it really about safety, or as your question implies, is it about yielding to the pressure of what “everybody else” is doing?  Second, if we decide to provide a child a cell phone, is a “smart phone,” complete with video camera, texting and all kinds of other sophisticated features, really the best choice as a first phone?  Third, is there an alternative to having your child go overnight from not having a cell phone to “owning” a smart phone?

I’ve suggested an alternative approach on a free website, Cell Phone Sanity (cellphonesanity.com.  I don’t sell anything there and don’t make money from the site.)  Here’s the short version.  When the time is approaching to allow your child to start using a cell phone, consider starting with a low-end basic cell phone (if you can find one!) and allow your child to carry that phone only when he or she is away from home.  Don’t let your child “own” the phone.  Give it to her when she gets out of your car and take it back when she is back with you.  Do that for a year or two.  Then, when your child is old enough that you think it makes sense for her to carry a phone with her at all times, enter into a written contract with your child. The contract should make clear your rules and expectations for the use of the phone. I provide a sample contract at cellphonesanity.com.  Be prepared to follow through and to take that phone away for intervals when you have evidence your child has misused the phone.

Dale Wisely, Ph.D. is Director of Student Services at Mountain Brook Schools and has been a child and adolescent psychologist for nearly 30 years. Dr. Wisely welcomes your questions for future columns; email jennifer@villagelivingonline.com to submit yours.