Life Actually: Boys compete, girls compare

One of my best friends in the world initially intimidated me with her beauty.

It sounds silly now because she’s incredibly kind and humble, but before I knew her and all I could base my opinion on was her exterior, I was wary.

I met Mary Alice as a newlywed in Huntsville. I was a new girl in a new city, eager to make friends. 

When I saw her one night at a party — a tall, thin, gorgeous blonde — I jumped to conclusions. She was so pretty I assumed she must be full of herself, a blonde snob who I’d probably have nothing in common with. 

But as fate would have it, our husbands were fraternity brothers. And when she and her husband invited us to their home a few weeks later, I agreed to go for my husband’s sake. 

To my surprise, that night was an answered prayer. Within two minutes of actually talking to this gorgeous blonde, I realized I’d pegged her wrong. I immediately fell in love with her sweet nature, gentleness, and self-deprecating humor. 

For months I’d prayed for a friend who I’d connect with on a deep level, and little did I know, she’d be the one. She’d be the new friend who soon felt like an old friend. 

Twenty years later, Mary Alice is still one of my best friends. I’m so thankful for her, yet at the same time, I realize how I almost missed out.

The problem wasn’t her beauty, but my insecurity toward her beauty.

What I never considered possible at the party was how her soul might outshine her appearance.

I share this story because I think comparison can prevent, ruin and hurt friendships. Comparison keeps us from truly loving each other and appreciating our unique strengths.

Recently I read a great parenting book written by counselors at Daystar Ministries in Nashville. Their collective wisdom is based on decades of working with adolescents, and one phrase set off a lightbulb in my head.

Boys compete. Girls compare. 

Wow, isn’t that the truth?

Unfortunately, it starts early. You may notice signs on a playground when boys try to one-up each other to prove physical dominance while girls gossip or make comments about other girls to make themselves look or feel better in comparison.

I’m sure boys compare themselves too, but since my personal and professional life centers around the world of girls, I can only speak for what I witness. I’ve seen girls be completely confident one minute and lose all confidence the next as they look around and start comparing themselves.

Comparison is never helpful. It makes us feel inferior or superior, less-than someone else or better-than them. God created us for more and nobody needs to lose their race so we can win ours.

Little girls who compare themselves become big girls who compare themselves. We never outgrow the urge to rank ourselves among peers or “master” those hard emotions like jealousy. We can, however, keep our green monster under control.

One of my best friendships almost didn’t happen because I felt inadequate next to the prettiest girl in the room. I’ve shifted my thinking since then, and I try to help my daughters do the same. 

The world won’t teach this mentality, so it’s up to us adults to train our daughters (and sons) to admire and appreciate each other’s gifts. To help them be confident enough in themselves — and God’s plan for them — that they can genuinely root for their peers.  

The starting point, of course, is modeling what we hope to see.

This is easier said than done, of course, but it’s worth the time and effort. On the other side of comparison, good things await us all. And if you’re really lucky, you may be surprised to find an answer to a prayer.  

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.