Life actually: Why getting caught is good

I once stole cash from my brother Jack, and not until I got busted did anyone have a clue.

I was young at the time, probably seven or eight, and intrigued by money. I didn’t want to spend it; I wanted to hoard it. To me, money meant security, and because adults were always telling me to “save for a rainy day,” I figured I needed a cushion. So instead of buying toys, I let my savings accumulate. I was proud because this took great discipline.

My scheme started one morning when Jack, eight years older than me, told me his lockbox code and showed me the contents. The mountain of green bills took my breath away, and although they were wadded up, they were still beautiful to me. After ogling over his stash, I looked at my brother in awe. Wow, I thought, Jack is rich! He is so lucky!

Back in my bedroom, I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack’s rainy day reserve. It was so much bigger than mine it saddened me. As I spread my money across my bedspread, I began to rationalize. I came up with reasons to steal, only I didn’t consider it stealing. I considered it “borrowing” because bad people steal and good people borrow. 

My self-talk sounded like this: Jack has so much money, he won’t miss a few bills. I just want to see how his cash looks mixed in with mine, how big my collection can get. I’ll give it back in a few days. Jack won’t care. He never gets mad. 

I accomplished my crime without a hitch, and I was so happy afterward the guilt dissipated. No one had seen me, so I was safe. I could pretend it never happened. 

But as fate would have it, my sister Mary Kathryn walked in my room later that day and saw my money on the bed. She offered to count it, which wasn’t unusual because she and Jack often provided this service for their money-hoarding sister. Mary Kathryn was impressed by my wealth — so impressed she had to tell the entire family.

My parents and three other siblings were watching TV in the den. As Mary Kathryn and I walked in, she announced, “Y’all won’t believe how much money Kari has. $60!” 

There was a pause before my brother replied, “Wait a minute. I counted Kari’s money this morning. She only had $40 then.”

I knew I’d been caught, so I didn’t respond. As my family put two and two together, they asked me if I’d stolen from Jack. I nodded and braced myself for someone to start yelling or lecturing me. But no one did. All I can remember are six stares of disbelief. It was terrible, the worst punishment possible. 

Although that experience was painful, I’m thankful for it now. I’m glad I got caught because it kept me honest. While I can’t say I never lied again, I can say I never pulled another stunt like that. The humiliation stuck with me, and I never wanted anyone to look at me the way my family did that day. 

As a parent, I’m now told to pray that my children get caught. It’s hard because part of me doesn’t want to know. Part of me wants to believe they’re incapable of being sneaky or dishonest. But if I truly care about their future and want what’s best long-term, I need to embrace this prayer. 

While my children are young, I have a precious window of opportunity to teach them right from wrong. Right now their hearts are pliable, and they want to please. They aren’t too set in their ways. Now’s the time to establish honest habits. Now’s the time for them to mess up while they’re under my roof and my watch and I can hold them accountable. Accountability leads to life lessons they won’t forget. It will make them think twice before pulling the same stunt again. 

The underlying truth relevant to all parents is that dishonest children become dishonest adults. They maintain the same behavior but kick it up to a bigger scale with graver consequences. Instead of cheating a brother, they may cheat a company. Or stockholders. Or perhaps even a spouse or child. 

And that is why I’ll pray for my children to get caught even when it pains me. I’ll remember how tempting the immediate payoff of lying is and why it’s hard to reverse the pattern once someone masters the art. For a child who lies and gets caught, lying again is risky. For a child who lies and gets away with it, the reward is worth it.

We parents worry a lot about developing our children’s talent and intelligence, but what we really need to get right early on is character. Without an honest foundation, talent and intelligence won’t matter because no one will trust them. Many other parents call to mind their own lessons from the past and join me in praying for awareness. Our children won’t think it at the time, but our prayers that they get caught could be the best thing that ever happened to them. 

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four with a background in PR, writing, and photography. For more inspiration, join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer” or find her on Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram. Visit her website at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.