Life Actually - A beneficial motto: don’t struggle alone

One motto that can benefit any family is this: Don’t struggle alone.

It sounds like common sense, but these words deserve to be articulated, especially to our children.

After all, we live in an age where people are lonelier and more disconnected than ever before. We get bombarded by messages that suggest everyone else is living the dream, which makes us feel more alone or embarrassed about our issues.

As parents, we can’t always assume that our children will come to us if they have a trial or struggle. While some kids are vocal and naturally open up, a vast majority don’t have this initiative, at least not yet, and they need gentle prompting to get the words out.

There’s a common misperception that Christians should not have problems, but the truth is, life is hard for everyone. We all have crosses to bear, problems to walk through and inner struggles to wrestle with. In John 16:33, Jesus tells us, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

God doesn’t promise anyone a life free of pain, but he does give us the hope of heaven that makes earthly pain bearable. He also gives us Jesus — and other people — to walk through our pain with us and comfort us in times of need.

It takes tremendous courage to not struggle alone, because when we’re in this place, it’s tempting to withdraw. It’s tempting to turn inward instead of outward and suffer alone.

The enemy wants this because then we might fall for his tricks. We might start to believe the lies he plants in our head. Wrapping our mind around just one lie from the enemy can turn us away from God — but by bringing our struggles to light, and by admitting them to people who have earned the right to hear them and can speak the truth and pray for us, we have protection from the one who enjoys luring us to dark places.

In the book “Boundaries,” the authors say that even when your life seems to be in order, isolation guarantees spiritual vulnerability. “Evil can take over the empty house of our souls,” they write. “It’s only when our house is full of the love of God and others that we can resist the wiles of the Devil. Plugging in is neither an option, nor a luxury; it is a spiritual and emotional life-and-death issue.”

It is therapeutic to get the truth out in the open, even hard truths, because it is through honest conversations that we discover comfort, direction and epiphanies. I can’t tell you how many times I have wrestled with a fear that seemed less scary or made more sense once I voiced it out loud. God created us to live in community, and it is no accident that when we feel weak and lost, when we’re struggling and can’t think, God will put people in our life to help us bear the burden.

There is a saying in addiction recovery that you’re only as sick as your secrets. While I don’t believe in sharing your secrets with everyone — or blindly broadcasting them on social media — I do believe it’s healthy to share them with the right people.

And by staying ahead of this conversation, and teaching our children early that there is no shame in admitting the things that make them feel restless, anxious, sad, tempted, regretful, angry, fearful or just uncomfortable in their own skin, we open the door to crucial conversations that might help someone not withdraw.

Recently I read a book that is popular in the Greek Orthodox church. It is called “Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings.” Dorotheos was a Christian monk who lived in the 6th and 7th centuries, and this book is packed with timeless wisdom on peace and harmony.

Dorotheos writes, “We should not believe we can direct ourselves. We need assistance, we need guidance in addition to God’s grace. No one is more wretched, no one is more easily caught unaware, than a man who has no one to guide him along the road to God. Those who have no guidance fall like leaves.”

One theme that Dorotheos repeats is how we have a lot more power to conquer our struggles early when they’re small and before they become ingrained habits. He says that if a man depends on his own strength and has nobody to support him, if he does not bring to light everything about himself, make a habit of revealing his inner thoughts and seek godly counsel, then the enemy can make a plaything of him. Just bringing the truth to light makes the devil flee.

When you or someone you love are caught in a struggle, remember this. Push through the awkwardness and do the hard thing of laying it all on the table. It may not look pretty, and it may not feel good in the moment, but where truth exists, so does hope. Even if there’s just one person who is willing to hear your deepest truths, that is a great start. That is enough to build your confidence in showing the real you and experiencing more relationships with deep, genuine and authentic connection.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon. Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen & tween girls – “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.