Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: The challenge of our 40s: learning to ‘be the adult’

A sorority sister of mine came in town for a funeral.

A high school friend had lost her dad, and she told me this was her ninth funeral to attend in six months. All her friends were losing parents, and we talked about how this is, sadly, our current stage in life.

I have another friend whose mom has dementia. While she is thankful her mom is alive, she misses the strong Southern woman who raised her.

“I just wish she’d call me,” my friend says, “and tell me to get off the couch and quit being lazy. She was funny like that, and I miss it.”

When my husband and I got married in our 20s, we entered the wedding season of life. We had a party every weekend as our friends tied the knot.

In our 30s, those same friends got pregnant, and the celebrations continued as we entered the baby season of life.

Now, in our 40s, the overarching theme is funerals. Everyone our age is either losing parents or taking care of ailing parents. This isn’t a joyful, party-filled season. There is no playbook to go by as the roles reverse and the generation ahead of us starts to depend on us — and slowly slip away.

What nobody tells us when our kids are young is how there comes a day when we realize WE are the adults.

We are the grown-ups making hard calls.

We are the leaders called to be wise and strong.

We are the ones getting stretched too thin as multiple generations depend on us and the demands for our time and energy amplify and multiply.

It seems ironic that when we need our parents most — while raising teenagers and watching them leave the nest — they face challenges that take them away from us. They can’t support us like they did when our kids were babies because they’re dealing with health scares, memory loss, doctor appointments, chronic pain and other issues.

To complicate matters, our 40s are when “big league stress” kicks in. Realities like death, divorce, cancer, health issues, financial strain and tragedies emerge. Many families fall apart due to infidelity or addiction, and problems that seemed minor in our 20s — a kink in a marriage, a small drinking problem that went ignored — have had time to escalate and implode. Even if you don’t face a crisis, you’ll walk through a crisis with someone you love.

Our 40s are also the time when our babies grow up. They become teenagers who pull away to create an identity and life of their own. I love teens, and I wrote a book about teen daughters, but parenting teens is stressful. There is constant mental juggling and unprecedented levels of fear, worry and self-doubt.

My 40s have been good to me, and I wouldn’t trade the wisdom of age for anything, but this decade has required a whole new level of faith, resilience and trust in God. Letting go is the theme, and while I’m thrilled for my high school senior who recently headed to college (thankfully, I loved college, which keeps me optimistic and excited for her) I’m also aware of the void her absence leaves. Our home and family won’t be the same, and just the other day, as I sat at my computer and listened to her favorite song, I cried as this truth sank in.

The torch gets passed in our 40s from one generation to another. Here we are, called to “be the adults,” yet many of us don’t feel ready. For years I wrestled with all the life changes and higher expectations. I struggled to articulate what I felt God doing inside me and guiding me toward. Then one day, in His mercy, He opened my eyes as I read The Return of the “Prodigal Son” by Henri Nouwen. Feelings that eluded me suddenly made sense as Nouwen explained how the ultimate goal of the spiritual life is to become the compassionate Father.

As we mature, we move past being the prodigal son and the jealous brother to become the merciful Father who stretches out his hand in blessing and receives his children with compassion regardless of how they feel or think about him.

To me, this encapsulates the shift of our 40s. All the changes set in motion lead to a transition, one that makes us rise to the occasion and ultimately model God’s selfless, life-changing love.

I’ve grown a lot in my 40s, and I have growing left to do. I’m thankful for friends who understand the highs and lows of this season. My friend Jennifer has lost both parents, and shortly after her second parent passed, she realized her parents had spent their entire lives preparing her for this day: the day she’d have to stand on her own two feet. They taught her how to handle life without them, and now it’s her turn to do the same.

Our parents can teach us everything except how to stop missing them. We never stop craving the love and strength of those who raised and shaped us. While our 40s are not a joyful season as we keep our black dresses ready for funerals, this can be a time of deep growth, renewed purpose and intimacy with God. Even in death, He is a God of life. He refreshes us and gives hope, promising eternal life through Jesus and equipping us to meet new challenges as we rise to new positions in the circle of life.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon. Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen & tween girls — “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.