Life Actually By Kari Kampakis: When you’re not a fan of your son’s girlfriend
One truth about parenting is that kids grow up in stages, and each stage brings unique circumstances and challenges.
For parents of high schoolers, dating creates new territory to navigate. While every family has its own rules and opinions, we all want our kids to make good choices. We don’t want them to date just anyone, for the quickest way to get off-track is through a bad relationship.
Because high schoolers are new to dating, they don’t always have a good relationship to which they can compare a bad relationship. So, what do you do when you’re not a fan of your son’s new girlfriend? How do you respond when he’s crazy about a girl who is clearly a bad influence?
Maybe he has started lying, letting his grades drop or is caring less about school. Maybe he shows more attitude or has neglected his friends because his girlfriend demands all his time. There’s a lot you say, yet your relationship already feels strained. The girlfriend has caused division, and if you push too hard, your son may shut you out — and find his escape in her arms.
Every situation is unique, but I believe the starting point is prayer. Go to God with humility. Ask for guidance and wisdom. Pray the relationship only lasts for a short season and that God opens your son’s eyes so he sees for himself that his girlfriend isn’t good for him.
Also, pray for the girl. Ask God to work in her heart and use your son (during the hopefully short season they are together) to grow her faith and character so she can reach her full potential.
After you pray, consider the conversations you’d like to have. Collect your thoughts, wait for the right time and think about how to get your message across without your son getting defensive or feeling the need to defend his girlfriend. Even a simple chat about healthy relationships can occur without mentioning her name.
And when talking about healthy relationships, here are thoughts to share with your son:
1: When deciding who to date, think about your future goals.
Ask yourself: “Will this person help me or hinder me in reaching my goals?” It’s been said that George Bush gave this advice to his children, and it’s a great way for your son to think about his long-term aspirations and the best partner for that journey.
2: A healthy relationship will bring you closer to the people who love you most, like your friends and family.
Any girl who creates division in your son’s closest relationships (or isolates him from his circle) probably wants to control him or demands too much attention.
3: A good influence brings out your best.
The right girl will inspire your son to become the best version of himself, the young man he’s meant to be.
4: If a girl ever tries to come between you and God, then she wasn’t sent by God.
God can only bless those relationships that draw a person closer to Him.
5: Once you realize you’re in a bad relationship, it is best (and easiest) to cut ties early.
The longer you date the wrong person, the more complicated, emotional and dramatic the relationship will get. The harder the break-up will be. Both parties will get more attached and may stay together for all the wrong reasons.
6: Relationships may happen for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Praying for God’s discernment can help your son decide where his current relationship falls.
7: Some girls can be sneaky and manipulative.
Your son should be aware that many girls use their feminine charm or wiles to get what they want. Help him understand how this can happen in hidden or subtle ways.
8: What feels like love is often infatuation.
When a boy falls hard for a girl, he may put her on a pedestal she doesn’t deserve to be on. He may have blind spots that cloud his thinking. Remind your son to listen to the people who know him best (siblings, best friends, family, etc.) and take note when they express concern or doubt. They may see what he can’t see yet.
Andy Stanley once said: “Don’t trade your future for someone who won’t be in your future. The bad influences in your life will only be in your life for 2 to 3 years, and after they tear you down or undermine your future, you’re left with the ruins. So think about what you want in life, and then choose relationships that align with your values and goals.”
Whether you’re raising a son or a daughter, this is great advice. It’s a reminder that the company we keep matters, for better or for worse. Speak the truth in love to your son, and when you aren’t crazy about his new girlfriend, pray it only lasts for a season. Ask God to work in his heart and hers, teaching them both lessons that help grow and point them in the right direction.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Kari’s newest book, “More Than a Mom: How Prioritizing Your Wellness Helps You (and Your Family) Thrive,” is now available on Amazon, Audible and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s bestselling other books — “Love Her Well,” “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.