Life Actually: Happy 10th birthday, Camille!
She wasn’t part of my plan. And for that reason alone, I couldn’t wrap my head around her.
I took the pregnancy test for peace of mind. I knew I wasn’t pregnant … yet I had to make sure. When the test turned positive, my heart sank. A tsunami of emotions swelled inside me, and the predominant one was disbelief.
In my head I counseled myself with a few basic facts: You have three children already. You adore them and your husband. You’ve been down this road before. You have a happy home. Why are you so freaked out?
Logistically, I knew this could work because we were already knee-deep into parenting. What I couldn’t accept was what this meant for me. With my children ages 6, 4 and 2, I was just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was just reclaiming my body after six years of pregnancy and nursing. I was just starting to enjoy my children as little people.
Now I was pregnant again?
It felt like a major setback. We were complete and content as a family of five, and never had I sensed a void that only a child could fill.
I hoped my feelings might change during the pregnancy, but they didn’t. It was an emotionally trying nine months, and when I imagined the future, I saw stress and financial burdens. I wanted to be in full-throttle mommy mode by Camille’s delivery date, but honestly, I went into my December induction still doubtful about the good she would bring. I was more ambivalent than I care to admit.
They say God’s grace comes when you need it and not a moment sooner, and I think this explains how my heart began to thaw when I saw Camille, heard her cry and felt the doctor lay her 6-pound body on my chest. As I held her and looked into her angelic eyes, it hit me hard: I did love her. I loved her passionately, as much as her sisters, and I’d protect her and fight for her as long as I’m alive. I was ready for our new life together.
It relieved me to know that I’d never doubt my feelings for Camille again. In some ways I loved her more because I’d doubted. God had proven me wrong, and that really strengthened my faith. I had a feeling that the next time I doubted Him, I’d find it easier to trust His plan.
When our family came in to meet Camille, I heard someone speak three life-changing words: “Look: Ella’s crying!”
In that moment, I understood how microscopically and selfishly I’d been looking at Camille’s life. All along I’d asked, “How will this affect me? How will this baby change my life?” But seeing Ella’s emotional response to her baby sister — and the joy and pride all over her face — revealed how this wasn’t about me … it was about Camille. It was about a baby who God deliberately placed into this world to influence me, our family and everyone she’d ever meet.
In her lifetime, Camille would impact thousands of souls who need precisely what she’s here to offer. And though I’d missed that point before, I now understood the truth.
One of my favorite movies is the Christmas classic “It’s a Wonderful Life.” As I reflected on Camille’s birth and how it transformed me, I thought about that pivotal moment where Clarence the Angel tells George what his absence from the world means: “Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many others. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole.”
When I think about the joy I could have missed with Camille, I want to cry. I want to drop to my knees and thank God for this miracle I didn’t have the foresight to pray for.
What if we’d never heard Camille’s giggles and Disney performances? What if we’d never felt her arms lock around our necks and give us the warmest bear hugs ever?
What if our family had never discovered a mascot to rally around, someone with the energy and sass to make us laugh yet the sweetness to keep us soft? What if we’d never been touched by this angel?
My Camille turns 10 this month, and as we celebrate this milestone, I think of the many special moments that led to this point: bringing her home on Christmas day, having her immediately steal our hearts, watching her happy personality radiate as she fit in seamlessly with our family, hearing her encourage and copy her sisters, laughing as she entertained us with dress-up and karaoke, teaching us about love, bringing out her sisters’ maternal instincts and becoming the best thing that ever happened to our family.
Rick Warren once said: “There are accidental parents, but there are no accidental babies.” When I look at Camille, I see living proof of a God whose plans exceed our comprehension. I had many factors in my favor when I got pregnant with Camille: a loving husband, a stable home, a strong faith that celebrates human life, supportive friends and family. And when I think about my struggle, I wonder how much harder the struggle would be for someone without these factors. My heart goes out to any woman who is pregnant and not happy about it, especially in trying circumstances.
If there’s anything I want to pass on, it is hope. Hope that God will bless any choice that seeks to honor Him. Hope that what seems like a burden can take a beautiful turn. Hope that any path God points us toward will lead us closer to Him.
To this day, I still look at my baby girl and marvel. I blink back tears of joy and gratitude that God chose me as her mom. God has great plans for my Camille, plans that I can’t wait to see unfold. She is my angel and my little wonder, beaming her light brightly as only a product of heaven can do here on earth.