Life Actually: Taking a genuine interest in people

People often ask each other, “How are you doing?”

While this sounds like an invitation to open up, it’s really a courtesy. A gateway to small talk.

When someone asks, “How are you doing?” they aren’t looking for an elaborate answer. They usually expect a generic response that goes down easy and doesn’t create awkward silences. Something like “I’m great, thanks. How are you?”

But not every day is great. People often have problems and issues they need to talk through and think through. Finding a safe place to share them isn’t easy because not everyone is willing to listen.

Why? Because in this day and age, people are busy. People often don’t have the time or don’t make the time to care. Sometimes we’d rather not know about a person’s problems because then we’d feel obligated to help. We stick with easy conversations that keep things simple and convenient.

But God created all of us for more than simple and convenient. He wants our hearts to grow and stretch with mercy, love and compassion.

Hearing someone’s story — the real story — helps you as much as it helps the person telling it. Hearing another person’s struggles forces you out of your comfort zone and builds empathy as you learn what challenges they are dealing with.

Listening can also prepare you for the future. What your friend faces today may be similar to a situation you’ll face down the road. 

As you listen to them talk, you can think about what you would do if you were in their position. Their story may plant seeds that help you deal wisely with an event that’s yet to happen.

I once heard of a father who took a sincere interest in his daughter’s life. He wanted to know what she was going through, the good and the bad. And when they had one-on-one time, he always started with a question that opened the floodgates to her heart.

“So, what is it like to be you today?”

Imagine being asked that question by someone you trust. Imagine the freedom of giving an honest reply. Imagine how loved you’d feel by someone who waits patiently for your answer.

Our world needs more people who take a genuine interest in others. People who share their struggles, listen to the struggles of others and answer with a resounding, “That’s happened to me too. I thought I was the only one!” 

Conversations like this are therapeutic and healing. They create deep, permanent bonds. They allow us to comfort each other, conquer trials together and connect in significant, life-changing ways. 

It’s okay not to have the perfect words or the right solution for somebody’s problem. Most often, what people really want is a sounding board or a listening ear. A person who lets them be raw and vulnerable and makes them feel like their life matters.

If someone’s problem is bigger than you can handle, you can point them to someone better equipped to help: a counselor, a minister, a respected source of wisdom. You can guide them with love and discretion so little problems don’t become big problems — or big problems don’t take them under. 

God created us to live in community. He designed us to need each other, to share strength when others are weak and ask for help when we’re knocked off our feet. While most of us enjoy talking, it’s more helpful to others when we listen. Only by listening and asking good questions can we come to understand the truth about someone’s life — and learn a lesson or two as we take a walk intheir shoes.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.