Life Actually: What makes a guy a keeper?

“What makes a marriage work is not the same thing as what makes a date work. … You want somebody who falls in love with your soul and not your body or your pocketbook, because those things fade away.” — T.D. Jakes

A Hollywood couple had announced their divorce, and it was all over the news.

In one article, the actress noted the charisma of her ex-husband, who had been unfaithful. With a link to this story, a high school teacher emailed me, saying it reminded her of something she once read in a magazine, where another Hollywood star said she wasn’t dating because there was plenty of charisma out there, but not much character  — and there is a difference.

The teacher concluded, “So many of my students (girls  — including my daughter) forget to check the character and fall for the charisma. You may have already written about recognizing the difference. Please send me the link, if so. But if not, maybe you will!”

Her email got me thinking. It sparked a great dialogue among the moms I was with that weekend.

Unanimously we agreed that when it comes to a happy marriage, character far outweighs charisma. What makes a guy a “keeper” is not the charm or splashy gestures that might impress outsiders, but the little (and often unexciting) acts of thoughtfulness that happen behind closed doors.

Like him fixing you a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of your favorite chips. 

Him unloading the dishwasher because he knows you hate to do it.

Him listening to your emotional rant, even if it is irrational. 

Him getting up at 2 a.m. to calm your crying baby.

Him stepping in when the kids start testing you, defusing tension before you break. 

Him holding back your hair as you vomit in the toilet because the stomach bug has you down.

Him loving your family like his own, because anyone important to you is important to him too

Him calling your best friend before Christmas and your birthday to get a list of gift ideas.

Him washing your car and keeping it maintained to make sure it’s safe to drive. 

Him building you up and defending you when someone tears you down.

Him bringing home your favorite latte or the gummy bears you eat in bed.

Him loving you unconditionally, even when you’re a hot mess. 

 To a 16-year-old girl, this list may evoke a yawn. It pales in comparison to lavish prom-posals and gorgeous celebrity YouTubers who share staged moments of their romance to create #couplegoals that look like magazine ads.

But the truth is, you can’t post character on Instagram. You can’t capture in a tidy square what makes a guy worth growing old with. The best relationships don’t need an audience, and one major test of character is who a guy becomes when the cameras are off, the doors are closed and you’re alone in your private world.

My friend’s grandmother used to say, “A good steak don’t need all that sauce.” She also told her grandkids, “If you marry for money, you’ll earn every penny of it.” The best guys need nothing to hide behind. They aren’t about the sizzle and show. 

While some girls do marry for money (or looks, charisma and power), there are also girls who want more, girls who see beyond the bells and whistles and crave the deep, meaningful connection that helps a relationship go the distance.

What makes a guy a keeper? There are 1,000 ways to answer, but when I crowdsourced this question to Facebook friends, asking them to share their favorite things about their husbands, not one woman (out of 84 responses) even hinted at appearance, salary or status. After years of marriage, those factors are less relevant than how a guy makes his wife feel, how well he leads his family and what kind of father he is. 

My parting message is this: Trust your instincts, girls. Listen to your intuition, for it is a gift. There’s a reason why you notice details about a guy he may not realize about himself, like how he brags too much, tells white lies and can be rude … or how he always holds the door for you, insists on paying when you go out and helps his little sister with algebra. 

Little moments that seem insignificant when you are young offer big clues of who a guy will become, and if you reflect on them, they’ll help you make good choices.

Also, have high expectations, but don’t expect perfection or idolize the fairytale romance. What makes a guy a keeper — character, kindness, humility, faith, respect, integrity, trustworthiness, responsibility, courage, compassion, tact, honesty, patience, loyalty, a strong work ethic, a strong moral compass — applies equally to you. You marry to your level of health, and the way to attract a great guy is first to be a great girl. 

It’s easy to fall for charisma in a world that loves a show. It’s easy to dream of love with flashy displays of romance. But before you get swept away by Hollywood flair, check the character. Choose guys who make a soul connection — who treat you well publicly and privately, and who make you a better person because of who they are. 

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.