Life Actually: When your child brings a mistake to you

I was dead asleep one night when I heard my 11-year-old daughter creep in my room.

She was shaking and crying, and even in the dark I could tell she was troubled. Because she had a friend staying over, I was extra worried. In between choking sobs she told me they’d done something terrible.

I dreaded what I might hear.

“We w-anted to p-lay a j-oke on my sisters,” she cried. “So we p-ainted their faces with m-arkers while they were sl-eeping. And now there’s marker all over the sh-eets ...”

It took me a minute to confirm that everyone was all right, that no eyes had been poked out or something worse had happened. The way my daughter was acting, this sounded tragic.

I hugged her and told her it was OK, that she owed her sisters a big apology and I hope she had learned a lesson. Together we went upstairs, and using a soapy washcloth we cleaned her sisters’ faces. Thank heaven for washable markers.

Afterward my daughter told me that she’d cried in bed for an hour before coming to me because she felt so guilty. Again, I hugged her and told her it was OK because I knew she wouldn’t do it again.

“Did you have a feeling it was wrong beforehand?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“You need to listen to that feeling,” I told her. “It’s there for a reason.”

The next morning, her sisters accepted their apologies and laughed about the incident. To them this was a memory. To me it was an opportunity to show my child grace when self-torment was getting the best of her.

I tell my kids they can come to me with anything. I tell them they’ll get in more trouble if they lie than if they come clean. But waking me up in the middle of the night to admit a mistake was a first. My daughter had no idea how I’d react, nor did I. After confirming how everyone was OK, I considered a quick lecture. I knew I had my daughter’s ear and how anything I said would be remembered for a long time.

But in my daughter’s trembling form, I saw two things: myself and the future. I saw myself because I kick myself over my mistakes. I know how painful that inner lecture can be, and how nine times out of 10, external punishment isn’t necessary.

I saw the future because I knew I was setting a precedent. Whether I immediately reacted with anger or took a moment to listen calmly might make a difference in whether my daughter ever wakes me up again with a confession. Even in my groggy state, I could imagine her as a teenager, creeping into my bedroom with a heavier issue that she feels desperate to unload.

I want her to come to me. I want all my kids to, and though I won’t always help clean up their messes or let them off the hook, I will help them think through any situation to decide on the best course of action. Yes, it’s disappointing to see a child slip when you know they know better, but that is part of parenting. Our children are going to make mistakes. Whether or not we’re part of the solution is the choice we make as parents.

Good things came from this incident, as I told my daughter the next day. One, I learned how her moral compass works. She has the ability to self-monitor and doesn’t need me hovering over her 24/7 to point out every right from wrong.

Two, she knows the sting of guilt and regret, which will hopefully enable better choices next time.

And three, I got a chance to earn her trust. I got to prove that even mommas who fly off the handle sometimes can be allies when needed most.

I felt closer to my daughter after this incident. I respected her more for owning up to a poor choice and showing the maturity to come to me. I like to think I earned her trust, but maybe the bigger truth is, she earned mine. Knowing that her conscience is in working order relieves me and makes me a little less anxious of the independence-seeking years ahead.

As parents, we can’t always stop our child’s foolish behavior, but we can be an oasis when they’re ready to right their wrong. We can offer words of encouragement when self-torment kicks in. Most of all, we can remind our children of how a parent’s love never sleeps. Day or night our door is open, and should they need help or guidance, they know exactly where to find us.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.