Life Actually: Helping your daughter find real friends
A mother once told me about her sixth-grade daughter getting kicked out of her friend group during the summer because a new “leader” took over while their family was on vacation.
Her daughter was hurt, and when the new school year started, she made new friends. Friends she could count on. Friends who wouldn’t drop her or suddenly turn their backs.
A few months later, her old friends wanted her back. They started being nice again, and while the girl found this satisfying, she also knew better. Being burned had taught her what a real friend looks like. And though she continued to be nice to her old friends, she didn’t want them back.
She told her mom, “They are my 50/50 friends, and I want to be with my real friends.”
Wow. What wisdom. And what a simple way to articulate the complicated side of friendship to someone who is just beginning to realize that some friendships are worth more than others.
In my book “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know,” I talk about real and 50/50 friends in the first chapter. And whenever I meet girls who have read this book, the No. 1 thing they remember — and often quote — is that section.
They tell me, “I loved what you said about real friends and 50/50 friends. It really helped me figure out who my real friends are.”
Unfortunately, 50/50 friends exist in adulthood, too. At every age, there will be people who like to belittle you, confuse you or make you feel insecure through their unpredictable behavior or underhanded remarks.
The upside of being an adult, however, is that you learn to move on. You don’t let 50/50 friends ruin your day and consume your thoughts. You learn to interact with them without revealing too much or expecting them to change. If they do change, that’s great, but if they don’t change, that’s OK too.
The only person you can control is you. And when you treat people well, when you show qualities of a real friend and commit to doing the right thing, good people will be drawn to you. Your vibe attracts your tribe, and the way to attract real friends is to be a real friend first.
Children often believe it is possible to be best friends with everyone. It’s not. Nobody has the time, energy or resources to spread themselves that thin. Not everybody has the chemistry that makes time together feel magical.
As parents, one of the best things we can do for our kids is help them discern early which relationships are worth investing in first. Which friendships have the potential to still exist 20 years from now?
Who is consistently kind and loyal?
Who is empathetic and understanding?
Who stays out of drama and doesn’t intentionally hurt people?
Who reciprocates your efforts to be a real friend to them?
Whoever these friends are, they are the keepers. They show promise in going the distance even as other friendships fizzle out.
There’s a Sugarland song that talks about how there are some hands you shake and some hands you hold. 50/50 friends are the hands you shake. You can be friendly, but deep down you know these are not deeply committed friends. Real friends are the hands you hold. You journey through life together and cling tighter when times get tough, building a bond that grows tighter with time.
You’ll meet a lot of 50/50 friends on the road to finding real friends. You’ll shake a multitude of hands to find a few hands you can hold. And like the girl whose friend group dropped her, you may have to get burned before stumbling upon something better.
But don’t get discouraged, because real friends are worth the wait. Real friends are worth the journey it takes to finally find them, a journey that takes a delightful turn when you outgrow your 50/50 friends and decide what you really want is real friends after all.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain Brook mom of four girls, columnist and blogger for The Huffington Post. Her two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — are available on Amazon and everywhere books are sold. Join her Facebook community at “Kari Kampakis, Writer,” visit her blog at karikampakis.com or contact her at kari@karikampakis.com.