Life Actually By Kari Kampakis

Protecting your teen’s privacy

I have a friend — I’ll call her Janie — who is very outgoing and talkative.

When she was in high school, she told her mom everything. She shared her heart like every mother hopes her daughter will.

Things changed, however, when Janie was in 11th grade and overhead her mom talking on the phone one day to a friend. Her mom told this friend how she was afraid Janie might follow her boyfriend to college – but she hoped she wouldn’t because it’s not like they were going to get married.

In that moment, Janie felt violated. Hearing her mom discuss the private life details that she’d revealed in confidence blindsided her. That day, Janie says, was a game-changer in their relationship. Although she remained close to her mother and still loved her, she never opened up to the same degree again.

This story is a great illustration of why it’s important to protect our kids’ privacy as they grow up. One, it’s the right thing to do, and two, if they find out we’ve shared too much about them — especially in their teenage years — they’ll shut down. They’ll find someone else to be their safe place and sounding board.

As a writer, I realized years ago that some stories are mine to share and some stories aren’t. My daughters have walked through trials that I know would make great articles and possibly go viral, but I decided early on that my primary focus would be what I’m learning as a mother and a person.

Even when my girls were small and had no clue of what I wrote, I tried to be mindful of not sharing anything that might embarrass them one day. I’d never want them to see a story in the public domain that they’d not given me permission to share.

It hurts our relationship with our children when we share too much. It also opens the door for payback — because one day, our kids will be the adults sharing stories about their lives. They’ll have a voice, an audience and the ability to publicly talk about us. If we want our kids to respect us, we have to respect them too.

The dilemma for parents of teenagers is that we desperately need advice. There is a lot at stake as we and our kids make choices with long-term consequences. As parents, we need help and community, yet we often feel alone. With teenagers, the questions and issues magnify, and the diversity in parenting styles widens. We need parents we trust who share our values, since it’s out of those values that decisions are made.

Author Rachel Anne Ridge wrote a fantastic article years ago titled ”Dear Lonely Mom of Older Kids” that explores the dilemma of this season. She said:

“I’ve noticed a conspicuous absence of mom-bloggers with older kids. A whole lot less sharing and swapping of kid stories. The online world just sort of goes quiet for the moms of pre-teens, teenagers and young adults. Except for the scary stories of kids and families gone wrong. It’s not real comforting.

So much of it … you just can’t talk about. Because you realize that these kids are people. People with feelings and emotions. And you can’t go around blogging about their mean math teacher or their failed attempt at choir auditions. These are things that are too precious, too priceless, too soul-baring, too hard to share. They need you to be their safe place. They need you to keep their secrets. They need you to pick up pimple concealer at CVS and not breathe a word to anyone. They are so easily embarrassed and you must do your part to help them get through it.”

Rachel Anne assures moms that their years with older kids can be their best years even if they have less photos to post on Facebook and no longer hear gushing comments over their adorableness. I agree, and I can say that despite the challenges of adolescence, I love my girls as teenagers more than I ever have before.

It takes prayer and intentional thinking to toe the line between protecting our teenager’s privacy and getting the support we need as parents. This job is too big to handle alone, and while we certainly need God, we also need small villages and trustworthy friends.

Protecting your teenager’s privacy builds trust and encourages dialogue. It doesn’t, however, guarantee that your child will spill their guts. While some teens are extroverts like my friend Janie and tell their moms everything because they can’t keep it in, others are introverts and tell their moms very little because they can’t get it out. More important than your teenager telling you everything is your teenager knowing they can tell you anything — feeling so secure in your love that they know they can come to you with problems, secrets or struggles.

Anytime that our teenagers open up to us is a privilege. The opportunity may not come again if we break their trust. Our stories are ours to tell, and their stories are theirs to tell, and one day, when they’re ready, they can share all they want. Until then, we can listen, empathize and help them process life, taking in the details of their journey while also being mindful of what details we choose to share.

Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a Mountain. Brook mom of four girls, author, speaker and blogger. Her new book for moms, “Love Her Well: 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection With Your Teenage Daughter,” is now available on Amazon, Audible, and everywhere books are sold. Kari’s two books for teen and tween girls — “Liked” and “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know” — have been used widely across the country for small group studies. Join Kari on Facebook and Instagram, visit her blog at  karikampakis.com, or find her on the Girl Mom Podcast.