More apps, more problems for kids?

There’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach to talking to children and teens about social media and the use of cellphones, said Mountain Brook’s Director of Student Services Dale Wisely, Ph.D. 

Rather, parents and guardians should approach the topics using multifaceted, age-appropriate strategies. 

That model, explained Wisely, is how the city’s individual schools implement rules regarding cellphones and their use on school grounds.

“Our practices differ among the elementary, junior high and high school students,” said Wisely. “For elementary students, our expectations are that they will not be using cells at school. It would not be a violation for an elementary school to have a cellphone in a backpack, for example, but we don’t allow their use during the school day.”

Rules loosen up just slightly by the time students reach the junior high level. 

“At our junior high, students are allowed to bring cellphones, but they must stay out of sight during the school day,” Wisely said. “Many students have phones in their lockers.” 

By the time students reach high school, the expectation that most students will have cellphones seems to drive the policy.

“High school students are allowed to use phones at school unless otherwise noted by classroom procedures,” said Mountain Brook High School Principal Amanda Hood in an email.

Still, it’s not a free for all. 

“The vast majority of faculty have classroom procedures against using cell phones during instructional time,” said Hood. 

The prevalence of cellphone and mobile app usage among growing children is a big reason Mountain Brook has held several cellphone and app-related presentations for students and parents alike, Wisely said. 

“There is still a lot we don’t know,” he said.

What is known, he said, might have some parents thinking twice about giving in to the cellphone purchase.

“There is a good bit of research that the more people are on social media, the more likely they are to actually feel lonely and isolated,” Wisely said, “perhaps even depressed. In addition, I think social media has actually contributed to more anxiety and insecurity about our social lives.”

Wisely explained that the phenomenon “FOMO,” the Fear of Missing Out, is actually a very real thing. 

“That fear can actually be quite intense among youth and is often what drives their desperation to keep up with social media accounts,” he said. 

ONLINE DANGERS

In the realm of social media, said Wisely,  “stranger danger”  isn’t the biggest threat when it comes to inappropriate online behavior. 

“It’s actually something of a myth that the main danger online is pedophiles and deliberate predators,” he said. “Much more likely are scenarios in which teenagers interact secretly online with people who they know in their ‘real’ lives.”

The rise in “anonymous” apps, said Wisely, means children can act out under the cloak of invisibility. When it comes to social networking, he believes “anonymous equals bad” and apps like After School, Ask-fm and Burnbook should be completely off limits to children. 

This list, said Wisely, was influenced by SafeSmartSocial.com founder, speaker and author Josh Ochs’ “Parent App Guide.” In January, All In Mountain Brook invited Ochs to speak with students and parents on what he has learned as a social media advisor for top brands. 

The apps are specifically designed to promote anonymous talk in various communities. Burnbook and Ask-fm, said Wisely, are both popular among Mountain Brook’s youth. Both, he said, are breeding grounds for online bullying, rumor spreading and harassment. 

In his talk to parents, Ochs went down three separate lists — green, gray and red — of various apps based on how “safe” they are for students. They are all available on Ochs’ website. Like Wisely, Ochs agrees that anonymity is never good. Anything “anonymous” will end up in the red zone, Ochs explained to parents, meaning they should not be used by tweens or teens under any circumstances.

Mountain Brook schools, like all schools, has had to deal with social media-related incidents, several involving those very same apps. 

“It’s a new reality,” Wisely said. “Probably every high school has had incidents in which inappropriate photos or videos of students are transmitted and then spread among students. In addition, there are often incidents of students engaging in the kind of abusive behavior I mentioned earlier: spreading rumors, saying unkind things about peers and so on.”

Also of concern, he said, are apps that allow for “secret” messaging — communication that is not tied to phone bills and is not easily found. That type of communication, explained Wisely, can lead to inappropriate relationships among teens and alarmingly, between teens and adults. 

“We probably need to spend less time telling youth not to give out any information about themselves online,” said Wisely, “which is increasingly unrealistic, and more time talking to youth about seduction, grooming and about the importance of not having ‘secret’ relationships with adults.”

Wisely believes that when it comes to curtailing said behavior, parents play a vital role. 

“We cannot give our kids these sophisticated devices and then relinquish responsibility for what they do with them,” Wisely wrote in a “Bad Apps” post on the All In Mountain Brook blog. “Ultimately, no one can be more effective for supervising, monitoring, and guiding teenagers in this than their parents.”

Wisely also recognizes that telling a child not to touch a hot stove might make it all the more alluring, which is part of the reason he invited Ochs to speak as part of All In Mountain Brook. 

‘LIGHT, BRIGHT, POLITE’

In his talk to students, Ochs said he stressed being “light, bright and polite,” using social media to help them excel in their academic and professional endeavors. Rather than bog the students down with the deep, dark dangers of social media, Ochs gave positive examples on how to make the medium work for the individual. As children grow into teens, Ochs believes they should be able to carefully reveal more about themselves on social media. Colleges and recruiters, he said, take note. 

“I don’t tell students what to do,” said Ochs, “I try to provide them with examples of how to do various positive and beneficial things via social media. If you explain the bigger picture to them, get them pumped up about something exciting like going to college, students are more prone to listen to my message.” 

Still, Ochs said, there are benefits to informing kids about the dangers of social media, about having police officers and lawyers explain to them what can get them arrested or sued. 

“One of my goals is that eventually, these kids will learn to self-police themselves,” said Ochs.

Honest communication between parents and kids is crucial, as Ochs believes parents should be held responsible if their child is behaving inappropriately online. Parents should keep up with the various apps available, talk to their kids about them and monitor their activity on them.

“I absolutely believe that every parent who is paying for a student’s phone should have complete access to their phone,” said Ochs. “They are being good parents if they know the passcodes and randomly audit their student’s phones.”

To keep up with the ever-changing world of apps, Ochs recommends visiting his “Parent App Guide” for a list of the newest, most popular apps along with explanations of each. Parents can also sign up to receive updates as new apps become available. 

Ochs also encourages regular monitoring of students’ online footprint with tools such as Footprint Friday, available at his website, and with simple search steps.

“I always tell parents to start with Google,” he said. “It will tell you exactly what your student is putting out there, what everyone can see.” 

His strongest suggestion, however, is probably the least techy.

“Dialogue is the best app,” said Ochs. “It works regardless of your network connection and is always accessible.” 

One way to begin the dialogue, he said, is for parents to ask their children how to use an app.

“Even if you know how to use it, play dumb,” he said. “It’s a way to get them talking about how they use an app.”

From there, Ochs recommends parents “friend” their kids on the social media platforms they use. 

“But don’t comment on your student’s posts,” he warns. “You want to be a fly on the wall, observing. Use what you see on there to start a dialogue around the dinner table, not online.”

If a student does slip up, Ochs recommends confronting the issue head-on, once again, with open dialogue.

“Have them answer your questions,” he said. “Merely by questioning them, ‘do you think it’s good to talk to strangers like that?’ or ‘are you proud of the bad words you used online?’ will allow the students to sort it out and conclude that they shouldn’t do something, not because you told them not to, but because they know it is wrong.” 

For more on Ochs, visit safesmartsocial.com.