‘When I Hold You’
Park mother battling brain cancer writes children’s book
Bluff When Ashley Huffstutler was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in 2017, it was a tough pill to swallow.
The Bluff Park woman was 29 years old and had just given birth to her second child.
“I just remember crying so hard when we left the hospital and I learned how serious my cancer was and how short my time was going to be,” Huffstutler said. “Finally, we got home, and I grabbed those girls, and I was holding them, and I thought, ‘All I want to
do is hold ‘em and hold ‘em. I didn’t want to do anything else.”
But she began to feel God telling her he had more in mind for her to do.
At first, she felt led to create some kind of memento just for her girls — something they could treasure and use to remember her if she were to die. But then, she felt God leading her to write a book that could be shared with others as well.
“I fought it so hard,” Huffstutler said.
She had never written a book, and her brain tumor made reading and writing more challenging. But “the more I tried to ignore it, it was just really uncomfortable,” Huffstutler said. “I knew it was time to surrender.”
So she began putting together a children’s book designed to help mothers tell their children how much they love them and remind people in general how much God loves each of them.
She worked on the book for about a year and a half and in late 2019 or early 2020 connected with the B&H Publishing Group in Nashville, a division of Lifeway Christian Resources, that liked her work and agreed to publish it.
The publishing company found an illustrator — Airin O’Callaghan from the West Coast — to draw the pictures to go with Huffstutler’s words, and the book was released in May of this year — just before Mother’s Day.
It’s a short, 24-page book designed to be read to young children called “When I Hold You.” It’s filled with descriptions of tender moments between moms and their babies, such as rocking them, drying their tears, playing at bathtime, counting their toes or hugging and swaddling them.
The book describes the emotions a mother feels for her children and shares Bible verses that complement the text and describe the grace and love of God.
It’s meant to be an encouragement not just for children, but for mothers and others, too, Huffstutler said.
“I want mothers to know that being a mother is such a special gift. Regardless of circumstances or emotions or situations, God is right beside them,” she said in a video that gives the backstory for the book. “God has ordained every moment with their children and the ups and downs and the happy moments and the tough moments. He is a rock, and He is present.
“Being blessed with the ability to even have these moments with my girls, considering the journey my family is on with my cancer, is a reminder that God is so good and that He richly provides,” Huffstutler said. “His mercy, grace and compassion are always available.”
Huffstutler said she labored hard in choosing the right words for the book — and the Bible verses to match them. And she was thrilled with the illustrations by O’Callaghan.
“They are so gorgeous,” Huffstutler said. “She did an amazing work. The way she put it all together, it was just perfect.”
The pictures in the book show a variety of mothers and babies with different hair colors and skin colors, but the final page is an illustration of Huffstutler and her two young ones, complete with their red hair, their stuffed animals and a picture on the wall that resembles their artwork.
Her husband, David Huffstutler, said he is so proud of her for seeing this book through to completion. “She put lots and lots of hours into it,” and “I think the book looks fantastic,” he said. He was encouraged to see the fulfillment she got out of doing it, and he thinks it is something both his children and others can cherish.
His desire is that as the girls grow up and continue to read this story, they would remember their mom and be encouraged that God is near and won’t abandon them, he said.
Ashley, who will turn 34 in August, has had multiple rounds of radiation and chemotherapy, but her condition has been declining, including her memory, speech, writing and reading. She has outlived her doctors’ original expectations and now is trusting in God as He walks with her on this journey, she said.
“It’s all on God’s timeline,” she said.
She wants her girls, now 6 and 4, as they grow up to remember that it’s important to be obedient to Christ, even when it’s hard, she said.
And she hopes this book “will always be something they will have that is very special for them,” she said. “I love them so much.”
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