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I am interested in the idea that parenting, at least in part, is a process of conveying messages to our kids. Sometimes we communicate these messages simply by saying them or writing them. Sometimes we convey messages through our behavior. Below are my 10 favorite messages. Yours may differ!
1. I love you as you are and I always will, no matter what.
Back when I was formally studying psychology (mid- to late-1970s) there was a lot of conversation about conditional vs. unconditional love. I maintain a belief that children are very much helped and reassured by unconditional love. It is still true, however, that we don’t have to unconditionally approve of all of their behavior!
2. You are someone I would enjoy being with, even if you weren’t my child.
Years ago, I read Howell Raines’ book Fly Fishing Through the Midlife Crisis. I borrowed this one from the book, in which Raines says something like it to his son as his son was leaving for college. It has stuck with me over the years.
3. I like you just fine. But, it’s not my job to be your friend. I’m your parent.
I think most parents, especially in recent years, have come to understand that our children don’t need us to be their friends. They can get friends closer to their own age. They need us for guidance, for limit-setting and for the roles that are appropriate to us as parents.
4. Is there anything I can do to help you? Do you need or want any advice?
When our children are going through tough times, we want to fix their problems, or, barring that, we want to provide them with advice for how they can fix their problems. The difficulty is that people, including children and teenagers, often aren’t really looking for advice. They are looking for an understanding, caring, and sympathetic ear. People often reject advice they are given, because it’s not what they seek. So, #4 is a way of approaching that.
5. I’m sorry about that thing I said (or did).
Are you perfect? Me neither. Not even close. Some of us worry that if we apologize to our kids for the inappropriate things we say or do—often when we are angry or otherwise emotional—that we diminish ourselves in their eyes. Not so. If we do wrong, we ought to respect our kids enough to say so and to apologize.
6. If you are in trouble, tell me, no matter what’s going on. I might be angry, but my first concern will be helping you and your safety. We’ll talk about punishment or consequences later on.
This is a good thing to say, but I don’t think the parents of teenagers ought to be surprised if, in spite of it, a teenager in trouble doesn’t call us. When you think about it, it’s a pretty tall order to ask a teenager to call us if they are in trouble, especially if they can come up with an alternative to calling us. But, I still think it’s a healthy message to offer.
7. My concern is not what your friends are able to do or what they have. I’m your parent and that’s what I am focused on.
I doubt I’ve ever met a child who hasn’t tried to persuade his or her parents to allow him or her to do something, or get something, or go someplace based on the “all the other parents are doing it” argument. Your child will assert that every other second grader in his or her class has a smartphone. There is no reason to hold this argument against the child. Just don’t fall for it. (Although, he or she may be right about the smartphones!)
8. You must be proud of yourself. Here are some things I admire about you.
This is a way to praise a child. Often we go the route of “you’ve made Mom and/or Dad so proud and happy.” That’s not a bad approach, but the message is that the child’s accomplishments are good because they please the parent. The approach in the message above is “your accomplishments are good things for you.”
9. I am not able to solve all your problems or correct all the injustices done to you.
This one is tough. Sometimes when our children are truly mistreated, we have to step in and help them, especially when they are very young. But, there is a thin line between appropriate intervention and the “helicopter” parenting we’ve heard about lately. If we are too quick to intervene in our children’s problems, we might be in danger of conveying some unintentionally unhealthy messages, such as “you couldn’t possibly have what it takes to solve this problem yourself.” Or, “whenever you get in trouble, you can count on me to sweep in and fix it.”
10. Here is what I expect of you: Treat others with respect and kindness. Obey the rules at school and in other places. Obey the law.
The short version of what we tried to say to our daughters over the years is “be nice and make yourself useful.” They’ve turned out to be nice young women who make themselves useful. You will have other messages, I am sure. Do consider the value of thinking about what your expectations are and communicating them clearly and often.
Dale Wisely, Ph.D. is director of student services at Mountain Brook Schools and has been a child and adolescent psychologist for nearly 30 years.
